I just need loads of money.
So freaking sick and tired of my parents arguing over money.
So freaking sick and tired of worrying if i’ll ever have enough money.
So freaking sick and tired of being envious of people who never has to worry about money.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Okay, so after playing oboe for like almost half of my life for SYO, I don’t get to go for a single tour. I wouldn’t say I’m too sad about it, but I’m certainly unhappy.
It’s just a mixture of everything. Bad timing, bad days, bad management and bad people. Bad timing, when i have concerts before or right after my exams. On bad days, i have bad reeds, bad sound. Bad management, when you get the scores on the day before your tutti and 5 days before concert. Bad people is pretty much self-explanatory.
And that is life, you just cant have it the way you want it to be. If Daniel could have his way, he would not have hearing problem. If I could have it my way, I wouldn’t be studying economics. If my parents could have it their way, they would be rich.
Of course, there are exceptions. There are some people, who will be too used to having their way, they start taking things for granted. like P, so used to being the influencer inside the orchestra, take for granted that people like him (because of how he used to be) and not how the bastard he is right now. P can’t take rejection/opposition, he thinks that he’s always right, never willing to hear what others have to say and blame it on others when he doesn’t get the things he wants.
I don’t really care how his life turns out, but I’m just sad that the good friend that i once had has disappeared. Maybe past relationships and interactions with others has caused him to be so, but i would think that that isn’t a very good excuse.
But i guess it’s time to give up. I had my fun/joy playing the oboe and now it’s just a chore. Why should i invest time in something that doesn’t give me anything in return? I don’t get decent opportunities for the amount of work i do and that is just unfair.
Reflecting upon this, i realised how important it is to have authority. Now i understand why it’s so easy to corrupt with authority, when you have authority, it’s hard not to use it for your own personal use. In orchestra, in school, at work. It’s the same everywhere. Disgusting human nature.
Many times, i tried convincing myself, it’s not about the money, not about the power, but the truth is, it is about the money, it is about the power.
If i have the money, I would be living in the big house, driving a nice car, wearing nice clothes and travelling to nice places. If i had the power, i would be studying in Biz even without my grades, i would get to go for the berlin trip. Things would be easy if i had both. What’s more, i can buy friends easily, i would be that popular rich kid and everyone would be dying to be my friend because they would be hoping that they can leech some benefits off me and all these will make me “happy”.
Ultimately, what are we working for? We work so hard in school, get good grades (so that friends around you would think that you’re smart), get good jobs and therefore get money and get power. Yet some people, are just born with it.
I don’t know if I should count myself lucky, or not. Because of circumstances like the school i go to, the church i go to, the cca i join,almost everyone around me are from the higher social status, (which means they have power and money), and i get to benefit from them (without having to ask for it), like i get lifts from friends, i get to go for nice expensive parties, i get to enjoy certain activities that only the privileged has.
But not lucky because, i’m deviating from my own principles. I start to think of how unfortunate i am because i dont have those, and forgetting how fortunate i am. I take things for granted. Ah, that girl has such privileges because of her parents, if only i have parents like hers. And, I start looking for easy way out. It’s okay if i do badly in school, my friend can help me etc etc.
Verdict? It’s tough being the odd one out. It’s tough saying no to a party because going to a party would cause you 70 bucks and that’s an entire week’s allowance. It’s tough taking public transportation when you’re used to the comfort of being driven around and it’s definitely tough working hard for the things that you want when you see how the people around you have it easy. However, I do not have a choice and therefore all these are just desires that are making me upset and worthless about myself.
These are stru
But looking on the brighter side,
i have a perfect boyfriend and some really awesome friends.
I have a bf who apologize first whenever we have a fight. Who fetches my wallet from my house to school when i forget to bring. Who drives me home. Who bakes/cooks/sings/laugh with me and most importantly, who loves me for who I am.
Awesome friends who help me when i need help, talks to me when i’m lonely, laughs with me when i’m happy, offer me tissues when i’m crying :D
Most importantly, a God who loves me even though I have sinned.
I wish I had all that money. I wish I came from a wealthy family. I wish I had what most of my friends have (& that is money) and I wish I could stop thinking about it.
Had an awesome night watching wicked musical at mbs, had an awesome dinner at Osteria Mozza and Pizza Mozza (Mushroom pizza, ribs, sparkling water), had an awesome time with my dearest boyfriend who bought me goodies from Japan. What seems like an excellent night ended off with me walking back to my 5-room flat, barefooted, because the wedge i wore was killing me.
I start to think, why did it have to end this way? I concluded, it was because I’m not wealthy enough, not wealthy enough to take a taxi home, not wealthy enough to own a car and not wealthy enough to have someone fetching me home. Then, one leads to another, i start thinking of what happened at the restaurant when daniel said “you look so out of place here” because i was staring at the label of the sparkling water he ordered. Yep, that was my first sparkling water in my entire life and I was curious, I wanted to know what the hell it is so i took a good look at the label that comes with the bottle. Honestly speaking, i really didn’t like the taste of it. Spending $12 on carbonated water is definitely something which I wouldn’t do. Seriously, I can settle at least 2 meals with that $12
Then I thought what he said to me when i returned him the $100 for the ticket, he said “okay, do you have enough money for yourself? You sure? Alright then, anyway now that you’re working, you should have more money now” I felt insulted, but there’s nothing i can say anyway, because what he said was true, I don’t even have enough for myself and $100 is definitely not a small sum to me.
He also rejected my request to join the couple photo competition. The prize looks attractive to me because it’s a dinner worth more than $100/pax. But he said “so embarrassing”, i should have known better than to ask him to agree to my request, what’s this $100 to him? He probably has gotten used to eating expensive meals all the time and for me, i really don’t recall spending >$100 for a meal.
I always thought that dating a rich guy would be fun. Of coz not any rich guy, but one whom i love and care for. But there’s only this much that my pride can take, I may not be rich but I have my pride, I wish he knew that expensive dinner and expensive dates doesn’t make me happy. ( Sometimes i might complain that he’s not doing enough, but that does not mean that he’s not spending enough) I wish he knew that I wouldn’t mind watching movie and eating a simple meal at coffee shop or food court on every date as long as I get to see him often. I wish he knew that meeting once a week is not enough for me and that i miss those days where he would call me every night just before he sleeps.
I can’t tell him all that, because I know that I’m asking for too much. Who am I to ask for such princess-y treatment, when my own parents don’t even bring me out for a meal, don’t even bring me out for shopping, dont even take me out for a movie and don’t even know when i stay out and not go home. Who am I to make him accept such a broken person as a girlfriend, who am I to demand all these when I have nothing to offer him except my love. Love is such a cheap word. Reality check-I love you but i have nothing to offer you. Therefore my love for you is cheap and worthless.
It hurts to know that the someone whom you love so deeply came from a different world from yours, and that he’ll never fit into your world and neither will you fit into his. He might take a holiday and take a tour/sight see-ing and enter your world, but ultimately, he’ll return to his world and glad that he left yours because that is where he truly belongs.
